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I watch a lot of pastors talk about how God’s vengeance is out to get us, and how if we don’t live right that we all will be punished. I heard stories when I was a little girl, that if I commit sin, I was bound for hell and God would be displeased and I would be in hell. It kind of ruined me as a young 6 year old child. I was afraid of God and felt like the first thing I did wrong counted me out. It got to the point where Santa Claus, a make believed being was more comforting than God was made out to be. I mean at least with Santa Claus, I knew if I was bad the only thing that could happen was me missing out on getting toys. I feel that over my life, pastors have messed it up for me to have the relationship with God that I needed. Luckily, I had my experiences where I had my own relationship to know him personally.

During this time, I learned that Jesus was kind, loving, compassionate, and he cared about me. He knew I was going to fail at times, although this was the case, he still loved me as his child. Christian leaders have an issue with expecting every one’s relationship with God to be the same. God’s relationship with his children are all different! I am not them and they are not me. My sins were not their sons, my life journey is not their life journey. What I hate the most is that I allowed others to paint a picture of a heartless God, that ruined my relationship with him for a time. It’s really sad you know, I felt at times I was worthless and could not be saved. I was told I was a demon and God did not want to hear from me. I gave up and knew it was over for me. I must admit, I was not perfect and I did some bad things, but what I needed more than anything was to know I had a second chance.

Being told that I was not good enough, instead of getting help turned me away. I felt like what is the point if I am alway’s wrong? Why try if I’m already counted out? God hated me! I was not worth it! Then came the seasons where pastors and priest molested children like me, they were found doing unspeakable acts of infidelity and more. Although I saw this growing up, I felt for them God had mercy, but because I was considered no one special, God did not feel like I was worthy. Pastors have a way of making you feel worthless and they sometimes allow their positions to get to their heads. If it wasn’t for my relationship with Jesus, I would have given up on trying. God speaks to me at night, he let’s me know it’s okay to continue, and to leave those behind that hold me back from success.

I know right now that I am a little lost, but I have never gave up on God no matter how hard those times were when I felt that God was not there. Something in me kept me going and that was the relationship I had with Jesus. He Is living, he is kind, and he is my everything. I have no place to call myself good, nor does anyone else just God. I know I’m not perfect and I know I fall short, but one thing I do know is that God does love me regardless of how bad others think I am. I I have no problem admitting that I’m wrong, and I try everyday to correct everything that I’ve done that I know that God may not be proud of. At least I can say, that I am a work in progress but have not given up. I remained faithful when my brother shot himself in the head years ago, I remained faithful when I was abused as a child, I remained faithful when people talked about me behind my back, and I still remain faithful although I’m going through a tough time. I’m going to continue to trust and try to do the best I can to show God that I am still committed to trying to find my way. I do believe in him, and if I continue to show him this, he will answer my prayers and he will help me, and one day I will be with him in heaven. God is not all bad but he is also good. I never said that God does not punish for the sins that we commit, but one thing I do know that he doesn’t hold that against us when we actually try to be better. So no matter what you have done, where you have come from, God still knows who you are and he’s still calling you to change. As long as you have breath in your body, you have an opportunity to make it right with the father in heaven. Do not let others determine what your relationship is with God, because your relationship with God is what he shares with you, and no one knows about that better than you and him.